


Attercop, or Along Came A Spider

by grayspider1974



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 20:30:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10543892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Aethelstan rescues Lagertha from a terrifying eight-legged beast





	

**Author's Note:**

> "Attercop" is an English country word for spider.  
> "Monkalpha"--Viking name for the Latin script that we use today.  
> Spiders are often disliked, but they are a good way to control pest insects, and have been considered an emblem of prosperity and industry since Roman times.

Author's Note: I do not own Vikings, I write these for fun. Please do not sue me.  
Aethelstan swept up shards of broken pottery and regarded his captors warily as they dozed in front of the kitchen fire. Ragnar was probably the smarter of the two adults, for despite his appalling ignorance the man was curious and willing to learn, though his mind was not as quick to adapt as those of his children, who were already learning to read the monkalpha and had a firmer grasp of basic mathematics than either of their parents....but Lagertha was an appallingly stupid woman, and mean to boot. The way she pussywhipped Ragnar was atrocious (the broken crockery was from her flinging a stoneware jug at Ragnar's head) and she was not a very good housekeeper. However, Aethelstan had patiently helped her improve her gardening skills and taught her how to make an ale that was considerably nicer than the thin, sour mead that she usually made using techniques he'd learned from his uncle at the Raging Cock. Nonetheless, Aethelstan was convinced the reason why Ragnar's wife had such a fearsome reputation in battle was because she was simply too dim to be afraid of anything...except spiders, and look what he saw descending from the thatch on a gossamer thread! The spider landed on top of Lagertha's flaxen plaits and scuttled down her neck as she let out an ear-splitting screech and sat bolt upright, startling Ragnar and scattering still more crockery.  
"FRIG! GET IT OFF ME!" shrieked Ragnar's wife. "IT'S GONNA LAY EGGS IN MY EAR!"  
"Nope," said Ragnar. "It's headed for your cleavage. Lemme catch it..." He stuck his hand down his wife's blouse and grinned. "We shouldn't do this in front of the children or the monk. Wanna go to bed?"  
Lagertha scowled. "You're a pig, Ragnar!" Aethelstan thought she would have been a much prettier woman if she scowled less and had a less ridiculous hairstyle. The spider had scuttled down the shield wife's arm and onto the back of the settle, so Aethelstan scooped the arachnid up in his dustpan and headed for the door.  
"She's your wife, and therefore your problem, not mine," Aethelstan said. "Aw! Poor little attercop! You're perfectly harmless, aren't you...." he remembered an old rhyme that his Great Aunt Apfelwiswen had taught him long ago. "If thou wouldst see thy garden thrive, let a spider stay alive..."


End file.
